Untitled Taken Sequel
Starring: Liam Neeson, Famke Jensson, Maggie Grace
Director: Olivier Megaton
Release Date: October 5
Okay, Taken was a pretty fun movie, so a sequel sounds fun if they do it right! Well, sign me up! Wait! You mean Liam Neeson and his wife Famke Janssen get kidnapped this time around and it's up to Maggie Grace, the whiny, dumb daughter from the first movie to save them? Uhhhhh..... well, let's just say I'll check this out on DVD. The guy directing this movie did Transporter 3 and has the most ridiculous name since McG. It's too bad Hollywood can't seem to leave modern blockbusters at one movie - they just love the word franchise.
G.I. Joe 2: Retaliation
Starring: Channing Tatum, Bruce Willis, Dwayne Johnson
Director: John M. Chu
Release Date: June 29
Well, apparently Hollywood thinks G.I. Joe can be a franchise as well. The first one was just alright - a pretty solid action movie. I can only imagine this one will be the same, except with more Dwayne Johnson! So the only reason this is on the list is because of Jon M. Chu. I'm very interested in what the director of Justin Bieber: Never Say Never and the Step Up sequels has to show us. Will there be choreographed dance sessions? I can only hope that Usher makes a cameo of some sort: "When we first met, Snake Eyes almost passed me by! He didn't even know who I was!! I'm Usher, bitch!"
The Expendables 2
Starring: Every action star imaginable
Director: Simon West
Release Date: August 17
Sylvester Stallone doesn't have time to come up with a clever subtitle. Nor does he have time for your bitching about how the last one was not that good. He's got Chuck Norris this time around! Well, you can just add about $100 million dollars to the box office right now. The only way they'll be able to top this one is if they get Mike Tyson, Kiefer Sutherland (as Jack Bauer) and Sean Connery to cameo.
Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance
Starring: Nicolas Cage
Director: Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor
Release Date: February 17
I know the first movie was an unexpected hit, but it's been 5 years since then (that's almost 10 years in Hollywood time). And you know what? Comic book movies have evolved. You've seen The Dark Knight? Watchmen? Yeah, that's how we do comic book movies now. The comic book crowd is a pretentious lot so Nicolas Cage, can you take your flaming skull and motorcycle and maybe hipster your outfit up? Isn't there a real person under all that leather and fire? One can only wait. And I will, when it comes out on DVD.
Starring: Guy Pearce, Maggie Grace
Director: James Mather, Steven St. Leger
Release Date: April 20
This movie seems effing crazy! Just read the plot description (emphasis added): A man wrongly convicted of conspiracy to commit espionage against the U.S. is offered his freedom if he can rescue the president's daughter from an outer space prison taken over by violent inmates. Seriously, I'd watch the hell outta that movie. But you know what? It's got Maggie Grace in it and this might just be Taken in Space! I mean, the headlines write themselves, folks. Is Hollywood even trying anymore? I just hope there's some zero g fighting scenes. If that's the only lesson Hollywood has learned in the past few years, is people love them some zero g.
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