Festival!

A brontosaurus eating what seems to be a pineapple.

My attention span is that of a dog - I find many ways to distract myself. Point being - on our way back from the grocery the other night, we drove by a light up Brontosaurus! I immediately had to see what this is all about and we quickly took a detour to the Wayne Country Festival of Lights. It was simply amazing. If I was a six year old I probably wouldn't stop talking about it for the next week and begging to come back.

Coming to a Close

 
2011 is coming to a close and it's been a fairly weird year in movies. Personally, it's been an awfully crazy year for myself. Not only am I a new car owner and new homeowner, I am a first-time uncle. Life seems to barreling forward and although I've enjoyed 2011 (with its ups and downs) I cannot wait to see what 2012 has in store for us.

With that, I'd like to take a breather here before I get to my Most Anticipated 2012 list and look back on what 2011 has brought us with movies.

Most Anticipated: Your Highness

Your Highness (R)
Runtime: 102 minutes
Starring: Danny McBride, James Franco, Natalie Portman
Director: David Gordon Green
Original Ranking: 30

Wow, talk about missing the mark considerably. I ranked this movie based on the red band trailer I saw and to be real honest, the funniest moments are all in that trailer. Go ahead watch it now. Done? Well, that's really all you need to see.

The movie just is slow, not only with the plot but with the jokes. Part of the movie takes itself way too seriously (a lot of the fantasy elements) and it seems the main joke is that Danny McBride is playing himself stuck in a fantasy movie. It's too bad because there hasn't been a good fantasy comedy in a looong time - probably Monty Python's Holy Grail is the last (and only?) good comedy based around this theme. I'd love to see Edgar Wright and Pegg and Frost tackle this genre.

Well, you know the movie's not good based on the fact that I'm talking about a hypothetical movie that would be way better. There's not a whole lot of substance to this movie and it's evident from the beginning. There's a really bizarre and very serious sacrificing/rape (WTF? I know, right?) scene in the beginning that sets the tone for the rest of the film - the comedy is constantly fighting this very disgusting first scene and it just doesn't come off right throughout the rest of the movie.

I would definitely avoid the hell out of this movie and in fact, rent Monty Python instead. You'll thank me later.

Rating: Avoid Like the Plague!

Most Anticipated: Cowboys & Aliens

Cowboys & Aliens (PG-13)
Runtime: 118 minutes
Starring: Harrison Ford, Daniel Craig
Director: Jon Favreau
Original Ranking: 3

On paper, heck, even in the trailers, this movie seemed awesome! How could you not love a genre mash-up? Not only do you have Speilberg and Brian Grazer producing, you have the very talented Favreau behind the camera. Also, make sure to have two very iconic movie stars and throw in a really hot chick and instant success. The formula is quite simple:

1. Find two genres to mix up.
2. Get some well-loved actors/filmmakers to do it.
3. ???
4. Profit!

Well, sometimes too many ingredients (or as Maggie likes to put it - too many flavors) can ruin something special. It's like when I tried to make the ultimate pizza the other night. Maggie was having a ladie's night in (watching a movie and eating pizza), so some of them brought over their own pizza toppings. Being stuck upstairs with not much to do, I decided to throw everything we had onto the pizza! Great idea, right? WRONG! I had goat cheese mixed in with red olives and on top of that sausage and pepperoni and a handful of other ingredients. Well, you can understand how stupid that may seem now. But I was hungry and needed all those awesome ingredients now! Point being, it may seem like awesome sauce from within the confines of your hungry brain, but step back and it's a disaster. This is Cowboys & Aliens.

The movie starts off really well - they had the atmosphere of the western down to a T. Daniel Craig wakes up after being anally probed (just a hunch, really) and has some crazy bracelet/weapon locked onto his wrist. Of course, he's a bad guy who cannot remember a damn thing and it's up to Olivia Wilde to show him who he really is (that is, a nice guy who doesn't talk much and who just did some bad things). Harrison Ford shows up as the local mob boss who runs the town and wants his money back that Craig stole. Yada, yada yada, aliens invade the town and snatch up all their loved ones and it's up to both cranky pants and mutey to band with outlaws and Indians to save the day!

It all sounds awesome, but it gets real messy after the first aliens attack. Not only do they ride out in search of the kidnapped, but they decide it's a great idea to take the prisoner (Craig) and set him free because he has that weapon bracelet thingy. And they take a kid with them because apparently no one wants to take care of him back home. The frontier is harsh, man. Then they find out (SPOILER!) that Olivia Wilde is an alien herself, sent to warn the humans about the other aliens. Who, BTW, are just here to take all of our gold. And apparently research us because they want to know our weaknesses. It's all just a bit too ridiculous for me to swallow. Oh the moviemakers definitely wanted a sequel to happen - Wilde warned everyone that this is a just a scouting party. She mentions that if they stop them and destroy their ship, they'll all be safe. Umm, no, wouldn't that just make the other aliens mad to know their scouting party never came back? So I'm guessing that's the sequel (which will probably never happen after its miserable performance at the box office). (END OF SPOLERS!)

Plus, the climactic battle at the end is all sorts of messy. They go down into battle and the aliens are killing all of them (they only had about 50 humans, but it seemed like they had 150 by the time everything was over - so many people died!) and after one of the main guys gets killed, Harrison Ford gets off his horse and cradles the dude and sheds a tear for him! So did all the aliens just leave the area or did they all just stop killing the humans so we could all share this touching scene? It was weird and that happened more than once (not Harrison Ford crying, just spontaneously stopping the battle).

Another thing - I'm getting sick of aliens looking the same in all the movies - they're slimy and have scaly, reptile skin,. Their limbs are backwards and all the aliens look the same. It's like this in almost every alien movie lately - Super 8, District 9, Battle: Los Angeles. Don't get me wrong I love those movies, but can't we get someone new to design these aliens? And on top of that, the climactic battle scene was so chaotic I really could not tell what was happening half the time because the CGI aliens were too blurry.

I still have lingering questions about the movie. So if the aliens are here to steal our gold, is this the whole alien race going after gold on distant planets. Or is this a corporation on the alien homeworld seeking wealth? Do they have a government and do you think they have these liberal aliens who are against the mining and destroying of other civilizations? That's probably the only worth wile conversation I will get out of the movie and it sounds really, really silly. But I wonder...no! no! Colin, just stop! Stop it!

It's a shame to see such a highly anticipated movie come out such a turd. I had it ranked number 3 and this is clearly the most disappointing movie so far this year. I thought having all that talent behind the movie would only make it that much better, but in the end it ends up being okay. The action was okay, the plot was okay. It's really only worth renting if you can get it free.


Rating: Not Worth Paying For!

Most Anticipated: Friends With Benefits

Friends With Benefits (R) - Runtime: 109 minutes
Starring: Justin Timberlake, Mila Kunis
Director: Will Gluck
Original Ranking: 29

After the success of No Strings Attached, Friends With Benefits seemed fairly redundant. But instead of playing the same notes as the other R-rated comedy, the movie is good, if not better than its counterpart.

Justin Timberlake is surprisingly funny in this movie - he's quickly becoming a great actor and one of the few crossover stars from the music world to successfully manage a movie career. As usual, Mila Kunis is brimming with hotness and awesomeness - she plays a rough and tough girl who's just "one of the boys." When both characters meet for the first time in the airport (a pretty smart choice for the writers - they're not best friends from childhood, which would make their sexual escapades a bit too awkward) there is a budding chemistry that's present and it slowly works its magic throughout the movie. Woody Harrelson provides more comic relief (and a lot of the raunchiness) in the form of Timberlake's co-worker/buddy. He has some great jokes and he should have been in more of the movie.

It's a fun movie and funnier if you enjoy R-rated humor - the movie does get a bit sappy at times, but its never overbearing or weighed down with melodrama. Although there are very serious moments when they go to LA and Timberlake's father is dealing with Alzheimer's. It's a bit sad, but it never really drags the movie down. In fact, it adds a whole dimension to Timberlake's character and you start to understand his motivations for undeveloped relationships. Mila Kunis has similar issues, but they're really light-hearted (her mom is a slut! Hardy har har!), so it's fitting to see these two broken individuals come to see each other as more than just friends.

There are a few missteps, however. The beginning scene when they first meet goes on a bit too long - the main crux is Timberlake is being headhunted by Kunis and in order to get him hired, she sells him New York City. It's an okay way to start, but they make NYC seem like the only place you can have fun - oh and there's flashmobs! Seriously, that's exactly what sold Timberlake on the job - a five year-old fad that could be replicated anywhere. Lame! They do leave a couple of loose ends about their families, too - Kunis never really knows who her father is and they never really resolve that issue, which is fine - but they kept bringing it up throughout the whole movie! Frustrating, none the less.

Aside from those small issues, the movie is great. It's a fantastic romantic comedy that most anybody can enjoy - it's not just for the ladies! Plus you have two very attractive leads and they get naked! So you can't go wrong with that - thank god we didn't have to see Harrelson's bum or anything like that.

Rating: See It!

Most Anticipated: Catching Up part 2!

It really is good to be back writing again - I feel a sense of anticipation when I come to sit down and put my thoughts down on the ol' keyboard. If ya missed it, here's part 1 of my catching up reviews. Part 2 is after the break and it's pretty hefty!

Most Anticipated: Catching Up

It's been quite a while since the last post and I need to catch y'all up to the movies I've seen - and to grade my Most Anticipated movies! Instead of doing a review, I'm just going to sum up most of the movies in two or three sentences and hand out a grade - these are in chronological order (as to when I've seen them). Also, I will be re-ranking them (some won't even make the top 50) and I'll be doing a year-end list with newer movies that didn't make it the first time around. Stay tuned!

Most Anticipated: The Green Hornet

The Green Hornet (PG-13)
Starring: Seth Rogen, Jay Chou, Cameron Diaz, Christoph Waltz
Director: Michel Gondry

Seriously, this is just amazing. Not only have I already seen two movies for this year off my anticipated list, but I've seen them before they've even opened and they were free! I feel pretty good about my life right about now. Okay, I'm the asshole soaking up all this awesomeness that is my life when I should be telling you about the movie. Well, let's just say it was awesome, bro! But to begin, I will put this out there - if you are not a fan of Seth Rogen, you probably will not like this movie. He's co-written and produced as well as being the lead man (duh!) in this movie. It has his stench all over it (and I mean that most flatteringly). I really like Seth Rogen - I think people got sick of his slacker image plastered on what seemed like every movie two years ago. BUT! He's playing a different kind of slacker this time around! Plus, he's a bit more toned in this movie and I found that not jarring at all. It's not like he's Kato and jumping around in 3D, kicking ass. So, if you're on the fence about Rogen, I say give it a chance! Secondly, I feel really dumb for seeing the poster and thinking about the Donnie Darko bunny:

Because they really don't look that much alike. At all. And after I said this to Maggie while adding I just don't get what the headlights are all about, she pointed out the headlights formed a HORNET. So apparently I cannot make out pictures like a four-year-old can.

But back to the movie - it was surprisingly awesome! I remember thinking after the first twenty minutes, wow, this movie isn't that funny. And then the funny happened. A lot! I laughed quite a bit - whether it was the banter back and forth between Britt Reid and Kato or Christoph Waltz's gleefully eccentric bad guy - I couldn't help myself from laughing out loud. The movie mixes things up pretty well between the dreadfully serious action movie and the over-the-top cheesy action that first inspired The Green Hornet's roots. There's a great article from The New York Times that follows the 70-year history of the franchise. It's funny how Nicolas Cage almost ruined the movie with his Jamaican accented villain idea. Or Stephen Chow's idea to implant a chip in Britt Reid so Kato could control him with a joystick. Those movies would have been train wrecks. Thank god Seth Rogen got a hold of this movie. It's balls deep in kickassness. Michel Gondry, the eccentric filmmaker who brought the world Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, seemed like an odd choice, but he's been attached to this movie since 1997. And he's a perfect fit, because Kato-vision is pretty awesome and there are some cool sequences including a scene where the film gets cut up into tiny boxes, each showing the spreading of news by the bad guy (I'm not doing it any justice - let's just say it was pretty cool). And the action is just enough, although the ending I can't decide if it was balls-to-the-wall awesome or if it was a bit too much to swallow (Maggie would argue it was too much. And that's what she said). So...yes you should see this movie! Unless you don't like Seth Rogen. But you can skip the 3D - it's not like the movie was worse because of it, it just didn't add anything special. The credits were actually the coolest 3D part. The movie is out this weekend, so make sure it gets some love!

Rating: See It!

Review: No Strings Attached

No Strings Attached (R)
Starring: Natalie Portman, Ashton Kutcher
Director: Ivan Reitman

I am one for one on my most anticipated list. Not only is this a great romantic comedy, it's really just a fun and funny movie. I knew it was going to be much different from the normal romantic comedies when one of the first lines of the movie is "Can I finger you?" In all honesty, I really wasn't expecting that much sex in the movie. But there was a lot. I am not complaining - it's all tastefully (well, for the most part) done and seeing two very good looking people do it was just as entertaining as the comedy itself. In fact, the sex scenes in the movie were done shockingly good - they had the right blend of intimacy and sexiness, but nothing too invading or embarrassing to watch. It was pretty perfect. Not too shabby for a director who's last film was the atrocious My Super Ex-Girlfriend. I'm sure some people will toss this aside as nothing special, but I think this movie is going to start the new year off right. Much like Going the Distance, the movie is R-rated and is definitely targeted at the thirty-something crowd. Which I don't mind - I'm kind of in that category and the jokes were great and of course, like any good romantic comedy, it had a lot of heart and charm. Kutcher is pretty good - he's pretty much playing the straight guy to Natalie Portman's depressing, non-committal sex fiend. They work well together and I will freely admit it was steamy at times (it might have just been the theater. Speaking of which, some biznotches tried to sneak into the screening after it had sold out! There was a huge confrontation right beside where the Magster was sitting and it was awkward. They finally were told to leave and thankfully no punches were thrown!). If you liked Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Going the Distance and/or She's Out of My League, you'll definitely love this movie. The movie comes out January 21 and I'll gladly pony up some money to see this one again!

Rating: See It!