182: Obsessed

Obsessed (PG-13) - 2009 - Runtime: 108 minutes
Starring: Idris Elba,
Beyoncé Knowles, Ali Larter
Director: Steve Shill

Oh boy. I just want to lay it out there: I really don't like Beyoncé. At all. I will admit I like her "Crazy in Love" song, but I like The Magic Numbers' cover even better. So I was looking forward to a huge cheese fest and the much talked about cat fight between her and Ali Larter. I knew this wasn't going to be a good movie, but sometimes bad movies are so bad they become good. Unfortunately, this movie went full circle and was just plain awful.

First of all Beyoncé cannot act. She's trying really hard in this movie and it's evident. Once you can get past all the forced smiles and rehearsed, no-emotion deliveries, you're left with a horrible plot. It makes it much worse when Idris Elba (who I really enjoyed in The Office despite hating his character so much) and Ali Larter give decent, if not good performances. It's like comparing a year-old crusty jar of mayo to a fresh can of Miracle Whip. You know both aren't that good, but at least with the Whip you know that shit ain't ever going to get stale.

But even if the stenchy, antiquated mayo was not in this movie, this would still be something to avoid. I noticed throughout the whole movie, every time there's a scene involving the office, we get a shot of downtown LA (at least I think it's LA). Even in between office scenes, there's outside shots of the glorious, sleek-looking towers of downtown LA. It's damn near ridiculous. Part of this movie wants to be stylish and slick, but it just comes off as filler and cheap transitions.

And I just don't buy some of the stuff that happens in the movie. Like some corporate executive VP is going to just have a friendly, non-flirtatious relationship talk with his temporary secretary? Puh-lease! And not even mention any impropriety to his bosses, colleagues, even his wife? It will just go away after she increasingly shows her Glenn Close crazy bitch personality? And then once that vapid jar of mayo finds out, they're going to just separate after three faithful years of marriage? It's just so contrived and dull. And I never actually once thought they were in any real danger. Now if I had seen Ali Larter praying in front of a shrine with jars of blood and sharpening a machete, maybe then I might feel a little bit of terror. But alas, no such luck - we're left with her very slowly walking down hallways. I'm...so...startled!

But, wait you say, there's that cat fight that looks so delicious at the end! That's good right? Well, if you like your cat fights poorly choreographed and filled with as much suspense as a scrabble tournament with your grandma, then yes, it is something to look forward to. But first of all, they're fully clothed. I know this is a PG-13 movie, but c'mon! You have two hot bods (even though that mayo may be putrid, the jar is in top shape) going at it - at least find the undecency to rip each other's clothes off and wrestle half-naked in the attic! Oh yeah, did I mention it mainly takes place in the attic? Talk about hitting the snooze button.

This one comes out on DVD next Tuesday and if you have any sense, avoid it. Run toward the older section and pick up The Crush - at least you get a good cheese fest; Silverstone is a lot like Baconaise.

Rating: Avoid Like the Plague

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