If you're reading this, I'm already dead.

So I find myself in a predicament these past few weeks. I'm moving to Detroit (hells yes! Detroit Rock City - if only KISS would stop by the county fair this year...) for better job opportunities (well, hopefully better, but it might end up that I'll be working at Burger King for the next year. College really helped me pull in all those job opportunities! Take Kanye West's advice and drop out before it's too late! Real life is a bitch!) and I have to break our lease at our apartment in Delaware. Of course, they're charging a fee and of course it's outrageous, but what am I to do? The guy we're dealing with is named "TC." His real name I do not know. He has a rough voice and talks to you like you're a naive teenager. He wants your money. NOW.

I can picture this man/creature cowling under a dim pool lamp, smoking a cigar and relishing his victory over the po' folk like me, counting his mob money while a half eaten Subway sandwich continues to gather flies on his desk filled with papers that need shredding. Here are some of the quotes that I've had to endure through or my fiance had to:

"If you don't take care of your business and move to China, I'll be in a rice bowl waiting for you."
-Clearly this man has ninja-like qualities that allow him to scrunch up into a bowl. But not just any bowl, a Chinese bowl, which are, as we all know, way smaller than normal ones. And he must have a McGuyver-ish sixth sense for finding one person in a country full of over a billion people.

"I'm not going to give you anything on paper. It's pretty simple. It's like, 'See Dick run. See Jane run. See Spot smash into Jane."
-"TC" must keep up on his nursery rhymes. I totally forgot about Dick and Jane, who have a killer dog to protect them from the drug lords who want their money for the heroin they're addicted to.

"You called everyone and their brother trying to get out of signing this document. You called Monica,"
-Obviously, since there is no Monica that we know of. The only Monica I know is Lewinsky. And that would be awesome if I had her phone number! We could talk about love, life and muscle cars!

It was really hard not to respond with WTF? after he said these things. It's like that SNL skit about Blue Oyster Cult where Walken says, "You'll all be wearing gold-plated diapers by the time were finished!"

"TC" then proceeded to threaten us over and over about going to court. I'm sure this guy has ties to the mafia. And I'm sure he could probably break my legs if need be, but I'll be ready for him. I'm going out tomorrow to buy a gun. And some bullets. It's like 50 cent: Get Rich or Die Tryin'. Except it's more like Get the Hell out of Delaware for Free or Possibly Die but More Likely Just a Harsh Warning and a Garnishing of Future Wages. I'm sure that's how it's going to go down, so keep checking back to find out the status of my life. I'll let you know.

Computer-generated image of "TC."

I finally broke down and made a myspace page. It's funny to click on your high school link and see all the people from high school that you graduated with. Simply because it's satisfying that most people are just as unsuccessful as you are and the ones that are successful were and are sill douchebags any way, so they don't count. I'm tempted to send people messages, but I have a feeling they'll think I'm a douchebag for looking them up on myspace. I'm also tempted to go back to my high school reunion. Maybe not the 5 year one, but definitely the 10 year one. Then we can make fun of each other for how fat we've become and that we're such losers for going to our 10 year high school reunion.

And aren't you really sick of the corny, disgustingly tacky backgrounds and graphics that plague some/a lot of my space pages? Mine's not bad, but I do have a background image, but it isn't pink with white stripes and there's no glittery butterfly images floating around while in the background some Sarah McLachlan song plays while you scroll through paragraphs of dumb phrases like, "Best Friends are like Good Drinks...." and you just want to take your monitor and throw it out the window to put it out of its misery? No one? I'm just crazy? Okay.


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