182: Defiance

Defiance (R) - 2008 - Runtime: 137 minutes
Director: Edward Zwick
Starring: Daniel Craig, Liev Schreiber, Jamie Bell

There's been a plethora of World War II-themed movies that have come out in the past year or two. Valkyrie, The Reader, The Boy in the Striped Pajamas are just a few. I'm not gonna lie, I do love me some World War II movies. Whether it's Saving Private Ryan or Schindler's List, some of the best movies have been centered around this historical clash of good versus evil.

Defiance may not win any awards, but it's effective in telling a largely forgotten (which is hard to imagine nowadays) story about an ordinary group of Jewish brothers (the Bielskis) just trying to survive the massive genocide that was taking place. While in the process of hiding in the woods, they become unwilling heroes in saving more and more Jewish refugees.

I am a sucker for these kinds of movies, so it's no surprise I liked it. The best thing the movie has going for it is that it really happened (to what extent, I don't know). I enjoyed the characters and I thought Liev Schreiber did an excellent job of portraying such a conflicted character who can't decide whether to help his Jewish brethren or leave them to fend for themselves (the Bielski brothers were mostly outcasts and criminals before the war). I thought Daniel Craig was okay compared to his fellow castmates, who really stole the movie (look out for Jamie Bell, he's going to be an up and coming star). The movie really does a good job of keeping you invested in the characters - you just don't know who's going to survive.

There are a few flaws to the movie, though. The pacing is a bit slow and jarring - the action sequences seem out of place. And it could have been cut down to two hours without any problems - you don't need to hammer the audience with scenes of how awful it was for the refugees. We get it, it was World War II and you were Jewish.

Just don't expect a whole lot of action out of this one or you will be sorely disappointed. But if you're in the mood for a movie "based on a true story," you can't go wrong with Defiance.

Rating: Rent It

182: Push

Push (PG-13) - 2009 - Runtime: 111 minutes
Director: Paul McGuigan
Starring: Chris Evans, Dakota Fanning, Camilla Belle and Djimon Hounsou

"A poor man's X-Men."

They tried really hard with this one. I guess an "A" for effort? Push is a story about ummm, pushers (who don't really push. The guys who push are called movers). Are you following me? Because I sure as hell couldn't follow this mess of a movie. Supposedly there's all these crazy folks out there with supernatural abilities who are being tracked down by clandestine government operation(s). Am I watching X-Men or Heroes? Anyway, there's this girl - isn't it always about a girl? - that escaped from the government's grasp and stole a secret formula which makes them super-super humans. Or it... controls them? I don't know! This movie falls under the weight of its own mythology and stumbles on a significant amount of plot holes.

For example, everyone wants this syringe with the formula, including the government agency that created it! Why on earth do they want it back when they could just look at the scientist's notes and recreate it is beyond me. And then they could kill all the pushers, movers, watchers, sniffers (seriously, there are people who sniff stuff to find out where people are) involved. This Chinese mafia group wants it, too. I didn't know they were mafia until halfway through - I just thought they were government cronies. And that made me feel stupid, which a movie should never do. But the whole damn problem with this plot, which is the major focal point of the entire movie - the formula doesn't work, it kills whomever they inject it into. Except Camilla Belle's character. Of course, the government wants her, but they really want this formula! And so does the mafia! They're both pretty daft if you ask me.

I feel like the writer wanted to create this cool movie/universe, but couldn't be bothered with details or rules. The logic for some of the characters' powers was seriously flawed. Watchers could see the future, but it's always changing, yet they could know exactly what's going to happen next. And sniffers could find out where a person was by sniffing something they touched, but that doesn't make sense. Because how could an object like my toothbrush tell someone where I would be next week through its scent? Especially if I haven't used said toothbrush in 10 years. Yeah, that happens in the movie.

As you can tell I was quite dissatisfied with the whole experience. And there really wasn't a whole lot of action. You see the poster? Yep, that's about as much action as you'll get in this movie. They also leave you hanging at the end. Which I don't mind, but the problem with this is that they make a big deal out of a couple of characters' stories and they never resolve them at the end. Dear God I hope they don't make a sequel called Pull.

Oh and one more thing. Why the hell were all these Brits and Americans running around in Hong Kong? They never once explained this. Is Hong Kong cool now? Is that where all the kids hang out? Maybe I'll take my Vespa scooter through the streets of HK and find a tree to sit under and write poetry in my moleskin journal. (Thanks for the inspiration, SWPL).

Rating: Not Worth Paying For

182: Mr. Brooks

Mr. Brooks (R) - 2007 - Runtime: 120 minutes
Director: Bruce A. Evans
Starring: Kevin Costner, William Hurt, Demi Moore, Dane Cook

Maggie had recorded this movie on our DVR a week or so ago and she watched it on her own and really liked it. So I decided to give it a shot. I had wanted to see it when it came out on DVD, but I just never got around to it.

Costner plays a well-known business man who's addicted to killing couples. He's been clean for two years until one night he needs a fix and makes one crucial mistake. That mistake leads him to meet Dane Cook's character: Mr. Smith, who knows about Mr. Brook's dirty deeds. And from there it gets rather interesting.

I was very surprised by this movie. The one word I would use is slick. Mr. Brooks is a very careful serial killer, making sure his killings are CSI-proof (which is funny because Marg Helgenberger plays Mrs. Brooks). So it was rather cool to see him unleash his inner Hurt and kill a couple (who obviously had it coming - I mean they screw with the curtains open, c'mon!). I enjoyed that we didn't get to know Mr. Brooks too well. The movie's primary focus was his new complications with Mr. Smith and dealing with a dumbass daughter who couldn't practice safe sex. Demi Moore plays the detective trying to find Mr. Brooks and I'm glad we didn't get too much of her, otherwise this would turn into Double Jeopardy. Thank God Tommy Lee Jones didn't show up as head of the FBI in this movie, otherwise I would have turned it off. I also wish Dane Cook would take more roles like this instead of his one-note characters in Good Luck Chuck and My Best Friend's Girl. He was good, but he's no William Hurt, who was pretty devious in his role as Mr. Brooks' alter-ego, Marshall.

If you haven't seen it and could go for a good thriller, Mr. Brooks is definitely worth renting.

Rating: Rent It

182 Movies in One Year

I'm stealing this idea from my wife, Maggie. Her ambitious project is to read 100 books in 1 year. She got the idea from a site I do not frequent, Pajiba (feel free to follow the link - they're pretty crazy over there). So I'm deciding to embark upon a noble quest: watch 182 movies in one year. When I was first mulling over the idea, I thought 100 was too low. I was thinking 500. Then I did the math. I don't think I could watch 1.37 movies per day! So 182 feels right - one movie every other day (with one day to spare!). I know this would sound lightweight for a professional movie critic. But I'm not a professional.

Why?

First of all, I love movies. I watch a ton of movies anyway, probably about 100 movies in any given year. Second, I work at Blockbuster, so this isn't going to be a strain on my wallet at all. Third, I work at Blockbuster. And I haven't seen a vast number of classic and cult classic movies. I once got yelled at (literally!) by a customer for not having seen The Godfather. All I can say to him now is "Sorry...I guess I'm the bad guy." Fourth, for fun! And the challenge. I want to be knowledgable about a lot of movies and have fun doing it so this seemed like a good way for me to accomplish that goal.

How?

I'm going to lay down a few ground rules and I will start tomorrow (Sunday, July 5th).

Rule #1: All new movies. Any movie I have already seen will not count! This includes any new movies that I may re-watch during this one year (i.e. Harry Potter 6 I'm definitely seeing more than once!)

Rule #2: Movies have to be in a variety of genres. I will break down the list as this:

1. Classics (35) - The term classic is very subjective for each person, but I'm going with AFI's Top 100 from 2007.
2. Cult Classics (15) - Once again, very subjective. I'm sticking to EW's Top 50 list.
3. Suggestions (25) - I'm taking any and all suggestions. Please comment anytime, facebook me or send me an email @ colinwkelly@gmail.com (although I do get veto rights on suggestions - but I'm limiting myself to only 3 vetos).
4. Book Adaptations (15) - Some of the best movies are based on books. It does not matter whether I've read the book or not (I will let you know!).
5. Foreign (15) - It's easy to let this genre slip by, so I'm making sure I get a healthy dose.
6. Horror (10) - I do not like watching horror movies (there are a few exceptions, like 28 Days Later), so I'm making sure I put enough on this list!
7. Western (10) - Same as #6, I want to be fair, here!
8. Musicals (5) - I really despise musicals, so I think I'm being very generous with 5!
9. Documentaries (5) - I really love a good documentary, but I thought I would put this on here just so I make sure to watch at least 5.
9. Kevin Bacon (6) - Maggie came up with this one and I thought it was pretty clever.
11. Maggie's Pick (1) - Maggie gets one movie that I absolutely must see.

This equals 137 movies! That leaves me with 40 movies for me to randomly choose or any that I'm going to see anyway.

Rule #3: I will be posting a review/critique of each movie that I see. I will have a rating system - one that I will be tinkering with tonight and tomorrow for my first movie! I will have a running list of movie suggestions on the page and also a movie checklist.

I really hope people enjoy this and feel free to comment me whenever to argue the merits (or demerits) of any movie! I'm looking forward to being challenged!

THS: Doin' The Dew, For Real.

Have any of you looked really closely at a bottle of Mountain Dew lately? I mean, really look (If you find yourself without the Dew, please feel free to look at the left. Nevermind how many photos I took to get the picture perfect. It's fucking 12:15 on a Friday night and I'm taking pictures of an empty MD. Yes, this is what my life's boiled down to. If you want to know more, let me tell you. I'm just now going through my digital music collection and adding album covers to the file and categorizing them. I have no friends). You know, I never really noticed the changes over the years, but by golly, how they've changed. Kudos to the Design department at the Dew, though. They sure know how to make a statement, yet appeal to the general population. With quotes such as, "Same Dew, New View," a complex rhyme scheme that can only be equaled by such great lyric masters of the 90s - Vanilla Ice (Choose your weapon but don’t slip/Vanilla’s in control with the flex of the mic grip), Snow (Yes the one MC Shan and the one Daddy Snow/Together we-a love 'em as a tornado) and of course, MC Hammer (Too legit...Too legit to quit). Serously, don't ask me how I know those quotes (and yes, I've just categorized them. If you must know, they're under bad 90s music for whenever I decide to put together that particular theme party).

But the designers took it a step further:
"Attitude Sold Separately" really speaks to me on the product. I didn't really know where the beverage stood as far as edginess, but right on the bottle, it declares itself boldly. I for one find this intriguing. I'm starting to wonder what kind of childhood did the Dew (or El Dewdirino) have. Well, I've done some reasearch for you folks that are yearning for some solid information, True Hollywood Story-style.

It seems that MD was born in the lonely mountains of the Smoky, Tennessee variety. He was born on a cold October morning in 1948, hence the reason for the name. It was a struggle early on for MD, as he was born with webbed feet. He was socially awkward when he first went to school and the kids, even his parents, ostricized him for his oddities. And so his parents, shameful and embarrased, hid him away from others and never sent him back to school. Instead he was homeschooled for the remaining time he lived with his parents. They thought that this was the life for their child and he would remain secluded from society for the rest of his life.

The Dew with his parents on Rocky Top. This place was a
refuge for the young Dew. Often he would go and
contemplate his life, playing Johnny Cash songs on his guitar.

But at age 16, MD snuck into town and went to a midnight showing of Rebel Without a Cause. The film spoke to him in so many ways. "I was at a low point in my life, and when James Dean walked onto the screen, I realized I had to be him," MD reminisces in a rare interview from Rolling Stone in 1986. And in a few short weeks, MD was catching a midnight train to California. "That was classic Dew, man. He always left with a statement. That's where his attitude came from, right there. That was the beginning of his career, when he left middle Tennessee," said Dr. Pepper, an old friend of MD, who took him into his abode in the 70s, when MD was trying to find himself as a beverage.

Nobody really noticed MD for the first two decades he was around. Even though he was established as a nationwide brand, with sponsoring by Pepsi, his popularity was never really close to being respectable. A lot had to do with his marketing gurus (gurus they were not). With slogans such as: "Yahoo Mountain Dew...It'll Tickle Yore Innards" and "Get that Barefoot Feelin' Drinkin' Mountain Dew." It was clear everyone saw him as that yokel from Tennessee still.

Plans to sponsor the trip to the moon fell flat when
word got out that Neil Armstrong preferred Mello Yello.
Buzz Aldrin claimed he liked the Yello too,
but only after they returned to Earth.

The 70s were the "Silent Decade" for MD, and he spent most of the time secluded in Dr. Pepper's mansion, doing heroin and cocaine, rarely seeing the light of day. MD thought his dream was over and there was no sense in living. Pepper recalls, "He was such a downer. I'd never seen anyone so pathetic. I came home one night and saw him with nothing on except a pair of gloves, standing on the balcony with a bottle of gin, singing, "A Boy Named Sue." That's when I had to kick him out." MD had nowhere to go and spent the rest of the year wandering the streets.

MD, seen here with Pepsi Max, around 1976.
Although Max didn't make a splash until the 90s,
MD and Max were good friends until Max filed a lawsuit
against MD in 2003, claiming the Dew stole the extreme
appearance from him back in the 70s. The lawsuit was settled out of court.

But as the 80s came upon America, MD came across an ad for the new Music Television Station, MTV. It was a jolt of motivation for MD. He knew he had to get into the younger kids scene, MTV was his gig. So MD called upon an old friend to hook him up, Dr. Pepper. "When I opened the door that summer, I was relieved and also a bit skeptical. I didn't know how real the kid was. But I couldn't turn him down," Pepper says. And so that was the beginning of what we come to know: "Do the Dew" was his new slogan and it made an impression on the yuppies of the 80s.

MD, seen here with original VJ Martha Quinn,
shocks the world by showing off his edgier look and chest hair.
He would later date Martha for a few years and they were
engaged briefly (the couple was fondly called Dr. Quinn), but was broken
off after just a year, Quinn citing personality differences as the main reason.

The ultimate measure of success:
You know you've made it big time when your
logo has been punned by the Christian crowd.

And MD has never looked back. He's caught the wave of late 90s Extreme-ism and his popularity has never been any higher. Many have tried to knock him down as the king of sperm-reducing, caffeine-inducing liquid, but Surge and Vault have proved they're not as real, or extreme. There was rumors Mello was trying to get Yelloer, but they've proved to be false. Rumors also abound that MD's seeking a political seat in the Senate. Sources indicate that he's running as an independent for the state of Tennessee.

I Think A Plane Crashed Here

It's tough being all alone. Some people like it. I don't think I do. My fiance left to start her new job in Detroit, leaving me behind with the cats. Yeah, that sounds fun (3 full weeks of freedom!), but it's not. I had fantasies of crazy-ass parties every night with booze, strippers, limbo, booze and midgets. But instead I watch a movie every night and talk about it to the cats (not with the cats, because once I start to think the cats are actually talking back, that's when shit's gonna get real crazy), since there's no one else around. I'm now officially the cat guy and I need something to do. But I actually got out today and played some disc golf (damn course. Last time I played I got a -6, but today I finished with a +2. If that doesn't make any sense to you, it's okay, you're just not that cool. But I hate that feeling because now I've set a level of performance that I'll never ever obtain again simply because I'm not that good. I think I threw out my arm - even typing hurts. I'm such a wuss. So I need to surround myself with even more worthless players than myself - I'll invite my fiance next time. Mag - I love you, but ya know...it's just...well, I've dug myself a hole I'm never getting out of. Sure I could delete it, but I'm lazy).

I also did one of the most heartbreaking things in the world today. I gave up my van. White
Chocolate. I miss her, she was one in a million. The best thing about White Chocolate was that it could hold 10 people comfortably. That made for some good parties. The best was the night I was going to propose to Maggie, we had a keg in White Chocolate and she spilled beer all over me. It was so cold that night and I had hard nips the rest of the evening, but I still proposed, beer soaked and hard nips weren't enough between me and my love.

We BBQ'd on the JAYwalk (the main sidewalk through campus) with White Chocolate and I've definitely driven through the residence halls' lawns with it, trying to find some shortcuts while doing scavenger hunts. Another good thing about White Chocolate was the back bench that folds out into a bed. I've never really slept in there, but one of my brothers, who had locked himself out of the house found it nice and cozy in there (he didn't see the blanket and pillow I had in there, so I'm sure he wasn't as comfortable as possible. And I'm sure he took some homeless guy's spot for the night, because I never locked that damn thing. I didn't need to - who would think that there was anything valuable in there?)

Although my first van, Brown Sugar (which I've yet to find a good picture of - but this picture of it inside has a good story. Notice the confederate flag in the background? Well, I used to be a redneck...sort of. I had received that flag as a will from one of the brothers and as a joke, hung it up in my van because it fit the whole "crazy hillbilly with a gun rack and shitty van" vibe I was going with while driving Brown Sugar. Until one time I gave a friend of mine a ride home, not realizing that he was black and he might get offended. He was speechless the whole ride. And then he told me I'd better take that down. Being a racist hillbilly for a while was pretty intriguing, but not something I'd want to keep doing, so I took the flag down and used it to fix my radiator leak by tying it around the hose. It worked real good. I think that's the real purpose of those flags) was my true pride and joy. I was literally in tears when I took everything out of it so that it was ready to go get smashed - I had donated it for our Smash-A-Thon; take a whack at the windshield for $30 or break the tail lights for $10. I didn't go to the event, simply because I would probably have thrown myself in front of the baseball bat/golf club eventually and shout "Why!?!?!? Don't you see she's a beautiful thing? She never meant you any harm! I hate you all!" and go running awkwardly back home, clutching the fuzzy dice I took out of it moments before and sobbing uncontrollably. But I had good times with Brown Sugar, simply because I took it home for the summer and we used that vehicle to steal A LOT of stuff. Cement Mickey Mouse's, front porch geese ornaments, lawn gnomes, family signs. And we would drive through the school's backyard to get away from some cops. At one point my friend had a police radio and he heard my name and my van go through, so I kept quiet for a while. Then we would go shoot my potato gun out of the van at random objects/buildings. Sigh.... I wish I was still in college.

But I believe White Chocolate is in good hands. He's a brother of my fraternity and I'm sure he'll get into a lot of mischief back home. I just hope he steals a goose from some old lady's yard and brings it to my wedding as a gift.

A New Hope

There was a time when I could do anything or get out of doing anything. I think that time is over now. It used to be my crutch. It was beautiful:

"Hey ck, could you throw this trash in the dumpster?"

Me: "Umm, I would but I'm missing three ribs. You know I had cancer, right?"

Awkward silence. And then they would leave.

I could get into VIP rooms if I wanted to:

"I'm sorry, you can't go backstage, you're not on the list."

Me: "Hey, I've had five surgeries, they took out my gallbladder." I would promptly show them my scars. The bouncer would remove the velvet rope (I really wish I had velvet rope. I would have people carry it around with me everywhere I go. Don't worry - I'll pay them. With backrubs. I give good backrubs. But I would only allow people on the guest list to get through my velvet ropes. How do you get on the guest list? Well, it would be a complicated ranking based on good looks, personality, money, humor and the ability to do a really good cartwheel. That way, only really cool people would hang out with me. I think I could become famous for this. I could market and sell the personal velvet rope - sounds kinky, doesn't it? Well, it's not.) and I would be let in.

But I think my time is fading. People are starting to question the validity of my fragile health. I'm no longer as sickly as I used to be. I can run distances without getting winded, although stairs kill me. I hate stairs (why can't escalators be less expensive? And what the hell's the point of those flat escalators at the airport if people are just going to walk on through them anyways? Doesn't that defeat the point? Those people drive me crazy! Slow down!! I want to scream, but then I would be the crazy one, standing on a moving platform, enjoying the scenery). I can also play many rounds of beer pong without puking. So naturally, people assume that cancer is in my past and I'm "healthy." I guess it's time to move on.

I've contemplated trying to get another disease. Leprosy sounded unique, but I'd like to retain my limbs. Lupus is a joke, no one really knows what it is. Which is sad, because I like that word. I thought maybe alcoholism might work, but I'm sure people would just see me as a drunk. And I don't want to be associated with that word. But I think I could use glaucoma. I mean that's perfect, right? I could lose some of my vision and still get out of loads of work:

"Hey ck, could you take the trash out to the dumpster?"

Me: "Sorry, man. I have this disease called glaucoma. Ever heard of it? Yeah, thought so. Do it yourself."

I could get a chauffeur to drive me everywhere for free because I'm partially blind. I would wear an eye patch and make people feel awkward when they make some pirate joke and I tell them I have glaucoma and I've been wallowing in depression for the past year. The benefits are too numerous.

I just need to find a way to get the disease and go from there. I'll figure it out, but right now I'm too lazy. But for now, I think I'll stick to making fun of cancer and getting a laugh from people:

It's so funny because it's not true. And yes, I'm a heartless ass.

If you're reading this, I'm already dead.

So I find myself in a predicament these past few weeks. I'm moving to Detroit (hells yes! Detroit Rock City - if only KISS would stop by the county fair this year...) for better job opportunities (well, hopefully better, but it might end up that I'll be working at Burger King for the next year. College really helped me pull in all those job opportunities! Take Kanye West's advice and drop out before it's too late! Real life is a bitch!) and I have to break our lease at our apartment in Delaware. Of course, they're charging a fee and of course it's outrageous, but what am I to do? The guy we're dealing with is named "TC." His real name I do not know. He has a rough voice and talks to you like you're a naive teenager. He wants your money. NOW.

I can picture this man/creature cowling under a dim pool lamp, smoking a cigar and relishing his victory over the po' folk like me, counting his mob money while a half eaten Subway sandwich continues to gather flies on his desk filled with papers that need shredding. Here are some of the quotes that I've had to endure through or my fiance had to:

"If you don't take care of your business and move to China, I'll be in a rice bowl waiting for you."
-Clearly this man has ninja-like qualities that allow him to scrunch up into a bowl. But not just any bowl, a Chinese bowl, which are, as we all know, way smaller than normal ones. And he must have a McGuyver-ish sixth sense for finding one person in a country full of over a billion people.

"I'm not going to give you anything on paper. It's pretty simple. It's like, 'See Dick run. See Jane run. See Spot smash into Jane."
-"TC" must keep up on his nursery rhymes. I totally forgot about Dick and Jane, who have a killer dog to protect them from the drug lords who want their money for the heroin they're addicted to.

"You called everyone and their brother trying to get out of signing this document. You called Monica,"
-Obviously, since there is no Monica that we know of. The only Monica I know is Lewinsky. And that would be awesome if I had her phone number! We could talk about love, life and muscle cars!

It was really hard not to respond with WTF? after he said these things. It's like that SNL skit about Blue Oyster Cult where Walken says, "You'll all be wearing gold-plated diapers by the time were finished!"

"TC" then proceeded to threaten us over and over about going to court. I'm sure this guy has ties to the mafia. And I'm sure he could probably break my legs if need be, but I'll be ready for him. I'm going out tomorrow to buy a gun. And some bullets. It's like 50 cent: Get Rich or Die Tryin'. Except it's more like Get the Hell out of Delaware for Free or Possibly Die but More Likely Just a Harsh Warning and a Garnishing of Future Wages. I'm sure that's how it's going to go down, so keep checking back to find out the status of my life. I'll let you know.

Computer-generated image of "TC."

I finally broke down and made a myspace page. It's funny to click on your high school link and see all the people from high school that you graduated with. Simply because it's satisfying that most people are just as unsuccessful as you are and the ones that are successful were and are sill douchebags any way, so they don't count. I'm tempted to send people messages, but I have a feeling they'll think I'm a douchebag for looking them up on myspace. I'm also tempted to go back to my high school reunion. Maybe not the 5 year one, but definitely the 10 year one. Then we can make fun of each other for how fat we've become and that we're such losers for going to our 10 year high school reunion.

And aren't you really sick of the corny, disgustingly tacky backgrounds and graphics that plague some/a lot of my space pages? Mine's not bad, but I do have a background image, but it isn't pink with white stripes and there's no glittery butterfly images floating around while in the background some Sarah McLachlan song plays while you scroll through paragraphs of dumb phrases like, "Best Friends are like Good Drinks...." and you just want to take your monitor and throw it out the window to put it out of its misery? No one? I'm just crazy? Okay.

~ck

ck Strikes Back!

Never fear, fellow bloggers, friends, family, lazy people and creepy people who have nothing better to do than look up good looking people like me and stalk them, I'm BACK!

Okay, I've said that several times, but for real, I'm keepin' it real this time! I really don't have much else to do except write on my blog, because I really (really, really really, please keep count for me), technically don't have a job (although I am writing for money, which is sweet). But what-ev, if you really want to know what I'm up to, just email me.

Any way, being that I have a lot of time on my hands, I've been wading through the muck that is the internet. Have any of you guys googled (yes, it's true this is a word now, Mr. Webster said so) your name? Not just googled your name but clicked on image search? Here's what I've come up with so far:


Colin Kelly Clone #1: This guy is obviously a douchebag. He plays in a ska band. And not like a good ska/punk band, a Canadian ska band. He's so full of douche. Here's a quote from his bio: "Colin Kelly is the latest incarnation of Ultraman, armed with cosmic power to be used in defence [not my misspelling] of our species and to impress hot girls." Words fail me. Grade: D


Colin Kelly Clone #2: Oh man, I would make fun of this guy, except I'm scared that I may look like this dude in ten years. This guy is a RE/MAX sales associate. Hmmm, maybe he's also a child molester? That's right I said it. I know all of you were thinking it. He is that guy that drives by the elementary school to check out the "fresh crop" and make passes at the teachers, so as not to draw attention to his real fetish. Grade: C-


Colin Kelly Clone #3: I like this kid. Look at that evil grin. He's basking in his awesome strength. This kid has potential. Although his name is really Colin Kelly Christian (an ironic name, according to this picture), I can forgive him this one fact. He's worthy of being my pupil, someone I can bring under my tutelage (I've always wanted to use that word) for my own diabolical purposes. Grade: B+

Colin Kelly Clone #4: This tops them all. I love this guy! And for some reason, he's an artist. Really? Shouldn't this guy either A) Be in some washed-up 40 year-olds' band that plays at your local bar B) Tom Selleck's / Burt Reynolds stunt man or C) a rodeo enthusiast that is in the World Series of Poker? If only he can paint a portrait of me, we might break some weird time-parallel universe rule and the world would explode. This I could live with. Grade: A-


Colin Kelly Clone #5: Gym Supervisor. Oh yeah. This guy has that smile. And good looks. Nuff said. Grade: A+

I'm out!

I Need A Job

Finding a job sucks. Hard. And blows, too. Hard.

Why doesn't the blogging folks hire? What exactly does an English major really do for me? What is that smell?

These questions come up everyday for me. I still haven't found a job and it's been more than a month from graduating college. Burger King is mighty tempting. They are hiring. I could become a daytime manager there. That would be saaweeet.

However, tomorrow morning I do have an interview with a roofing place. Yes, I think I can handle it. I kind of like that stuff. I worked for my dad last summer digging in cemeteries, I think I could use a heighth adjustment for my summer job. Although summer jobs are long gone. I don't have anything to return to when late August rolls around. And that possibly scares me. Possibly because nothing really scares me. I'm pretty good at not being scared. If I was in a scary movie, I would be the guy that gets killed first. Although I am scared of clowns. I guess if I was in that Killer Klowns from Outer Space movie, I would possibly piss my pants. I love that movie now, but when I was a kid, that scared me. They would turn people into cotton candy and suck their blood through a straw in the cotton candy. And somehow there was this dinosaur at the end of the movie. I don't think I like clowns simply because I now connect clowns with dinosaurs. I love dinosaurs, but only dead ones. Not ones that live in a spaceship that oddly enough, looks like a circus tent.

I did, however, love Bozo the clown. The only good part about that show was the game with the ball and the bucket. It was so cheap because no kid ever won that game. No one. The kid would throw a ping pong ball at a red bucket and if they made it, they'd get something cool, like a Power Wheels (which I'm still waiting for, mom). But no one ever did. It's like those games at the carnival, they're not intended for you to win. I think Bozo just wanted to make himself feel better. Bastard. But everyone always thought they could do it. So we would practice in our backyards. This training has helped me so much in my beer pong college days, let me tell you.

Not only did I have Bozo to look forward to, but we had a cheaper and more local version of Bozo, Happy the Hobo. He was a hobo. And he was happy. Go figure. I don't remember much about him, but they went through several actors (because they either died or were gay, I think. Don't hold me to that. I don't know. It's hard to find work when your a hobo and gay, I guess). He always had a partner, though, who never died or turned out to be homosexual (well, I don't know...). It was Froggie the Frog (oh snap! creativity at its peak here)! And he sounded like he had a voicebox in his throat from smoking too much and getting cancer. Yeah, that was a fun show. I think. I don't remember much about it. They didn't have anything cool like a ball and bucket game.

This was my childhood. Along with Fraggle Rock (when it was on HBO) and The Noozles (does anybody remember this show about the koala bears who lived in another dimension? I do). I loved those shows. And then I moved on to more "young adult" shows like Hey Dude and Salute Your Shorts. And Legends of the Hidden Temple, possibly one of the best kid game shows ever. And now I just watch SportsCenter. Oh snap.